Hope, Comfort, Rebound

Erioluwadamiloju Shodayo
4 min readMar 7, 2022

I’ll always be second best.

Kishimi tells me Adler said there is no competition. No time record to break, and no previous owner of that record. Just me and my now. Frankly, I believe him. My brain does, anyway. But how do I communicate that to my aching heart?

I’ve always been great at problem solving.

I kid you not, this is my favourite pastime.

I’m really digging this, by the way. It’s the right kind of intense:

Weightless Part 2 — song by Marconi Union | Spotifyopen.spotify.com
Listen to Weightless Part 2 on Spotify. Marconi Union · Song · 2012.

Quantitative and verbal reasoning used to be my favourite subjects in primary school. I always looked forward to solving these seemingly complicated puzzles. Constants, variables and answers. That’s probably why I thought I’d survive Economics. a + b always has an answer, and whatever the fuck happens to that answer is a result of whatever the fuck is happening to a or b.

You understand that, right?

It gets a little crazy for me when the complex stuff like logarithms comes in, though. My heart doesn’t work well with uncertainty, so the fact that we’re in a world where two and two isn’t four is quite…upsetting, to say the least.

I just got a text that jerked me back into the state of why I started this. Now, I need a second to cry.

I’m back, now.

Also, did you know math is hard when you’re having FUCKING PMS? When the ketchup gets ready to come out of the uterine bottle, I’m as irritable as the variable in equations. What you want to be, though, is constant. So give yourself time to attain that while you sulk about it. Now you have an excuse to buy yourself ‘feel better’ Shawarma and yoghurt.

It’s been a week. I feel much better now.

Reflections are not clones and clones are not self. Life is such that you can only truly love one of those things. You can admire the others, but they are not tangible enough to love.

Apparently, I just did the math of the problem that got me started on this, and I don’t know how to finish this anymore. It was meant to be a rant, but there’s something truly enlightening about letting yourself feel. I kept telling myself the inverse of the problem was the solution.

While that sometimes helps make equations easier to solve along the linee, it isn’t always the answer.

There’s a formula to solving complex equations with matrices. In that formula, at some point, you have to find an inverse. It’s one of the easiest parts of the whole thing, so I guess it makes sense that I jumped the gun by doing it first.

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I’ve always loved to dance, though I’m very bad at it. Or so I thought. My dancing isn’t one of the best things to witness. However, I have learned it’s not my task to enjoy what it looks like. All I have to do is enjoy what it feels like. And it feels like freedom. Joaquin Phoenix’s dance in Joker may or may not have had a hand in teaching me that. Ever since I was a kid, I do a little dance as I approach the answer of a problem I’ve been trying to solve for a while. The bigger the problem, the more elaborate my dance is. This morning, I danced.

I know it’ll take a little more time before the answer makes its home in my head, but now I know the formula (and most importantly, its progression). I know how I keep getting there.

Most times, I try to see the best in people. This isn’t inherently a bad thing until shit gets real. When I see people as they are, they become tangible enough for me to love. The rose-coloured glass has to shatter and the person has to still be there. I have to be there.

Well, back to dancing!

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Erioluwadamiloju Shodayo

On growth and neuroses. She/they. Libertine. Anxious person on the journey to self-discovery.