I Am I

My person says Zack Snyder is an ‘unintentional genius’. I love Zack Snyder.

I had a hyperfixation on whether or not I was a narcissist for like 2 months. I still think I am.

Tega put me on this song, and it’s quite…mood. It’s taste I would expect of Tega. By the way, if you haven’t read their Year In Review yet, do it. It’s absolute genius, and not just because the opening is a quote from The Ache of Healing — issue #2 of this newsletter.

IT’S A LOT OF WORK.

For the first year ever, I did that ‘cutting people off’ thing. It was starting to feel like my neurodivergence was a collection of excuses I was making every other week, even though it was all to let these people – my people – know how hard it is for me to try. And I was trying regardless. I spent the year learning about boundaries (and my lack of them). Every time it felt like I was finally putting some up, not only did someone require that I collapsed them all again, I’d go a little bit further and try. (I say try because I didn’t exactly always succeed.)

As I snipped the friendship cord, I told myself the parting was for both our good, but maybe that was just my way of easing the guilt of knowing I couldn’t (didn’t) do better.

Will everyone left help me stop feeling like a piece of shit?

You’re not asking for too much, you’re asking the wrong person.

I read that somewhere toward the end of the year. It was clear that was the case in the dynamic between myself and these people. I was asking to be accommodated while I did what (I honestly think) is bare minimum.

They were asking to be priority in my life when I go days without showering.

I’m not even a priority in my own life.

I’m wrong for them. They’re wrong for me. I thought.

This book I’m reading, The Courage To Be Disliked, tells me it’s not my task to decide the former, only the latter.

Unfortunately, I have a saviour complex — literally Jesus, with a vagina. So I refused to acknowledge I was being selfish when I let them go. But I am healing. Maybe I’Il fully come to terms with it by the time I finish the book and gain the courage to be disliked.

I also take comfort in the fact that I left a few people to decide that I’m wrong for them for themselves. Regardless, I think keeping them around was yet another selfish decision. I want to try for them, even on the days that I can’t find the will to brush my teeth or even cry. Choosing them doesn’t mean I expect them to choose me. Okay, it was purely selfish — I don’t need to overthink this one.

I am I, and You are You

— From The Courage To Be Disliked.

That’s my mantra for 2022. Cheers🥂

This wasn’t supposed to be a Newsletter Issue, but it has morphed from a rant on my WhatsApp status. It is now my reminder to be a little selfish this year. Because I am, even when I’m not trying to be. I might as well own it. I’ll take a seat and identify my tasks, and perform those.

I’m a brilliant person, exuding magic by simply being existential. Another toast; this one to harnessing my magic in its rawest form.