Lessons
When I try to learn, I see myself everywhere, yet nowhere. I’m scared that, just like me, no one else knows god.
Start writing here…
Everything is interconnected; most of the time, I don’t know I can make a correlation between two concepts until I think about one, or the other.
Sanctity is not the natural state of being. It is pursued; never-ending, yet a relay. Handovers are requisite. Sometimes the path goes from land to sea, then the journey needs wings, not sails. Of course, I’m a romantic so I thought it that way first, but I’d rather remind myself that the condition also implies that, at some point, the journey will need wheels, even if I’ve flown first-class for a while.
Have I ever flown first class? You tell me, was that line very cringe?
Not here, Eri. But honestly, where better for mayhem to thrive than on the edge of the path of order? To seek my genius is to find my absurdity.
That’s lesson number what? Four? Five?
I told Tega I couldn’t wait to read their year in review.
“Oof. Damn.” I replied.
(It’s not in the screenshot because I wanted the satisfaction of giving the reply again.)
I am barely the girl I was at the start of the year. I am barely a girl anymore. I still like the colour purple, and I still believe eyeliner is a super element, though. I’m still her, but I’m them as well now: true, false, unlikely, uncertain. I’ve always been them. I’ve always fought them, but I figured out I prefer to know them. Eyeliner isn’t the kryptonite kind of super element. It was their time, they came.
But I’m still her. That’s why I can start a newsletter four hours before an exam. (I read chapter one. I’m fine.) I’m still her. That’s why I’m writing my year in review the only way she had to learn to do everything. One — albeit giant — step at a time. When you’re ill as I am, everyday comes with a split moment when the only task you need to complete for fulfilment is getting out of bed just once. I’m satisfied most days. Other days, I live. Those are the days the first step comes easy. It’s 4:30 am, and so far, today is one of those days I live.
“Am I a…?”
That’s what I dubbed this year. Lesson upon lesson, leading me back to me — to them. Such a wonderful word, ‘them’. I told Morayo about the allure of obscurity (which reminds me I swore to Instagram that I’d finish an article), and they asked me if there’s anything I don’t see myself in. I told him ubiquity demands obscurity, and I’ve learned I can be omnipresent. Significance and worthlessness.
Remember I said I was enchanting? Diamonds are too.
I like the word minute. It exists in time. It exists in space. Who knew one thing could take a whole other dimension just because you said it wrong? Magic. At some point in the year, I found out about my powers. Actually, I think I’ve always known I could do magic. I just didn’t know how. You see, enchantment is that’s just one magical thing about me.
Two more chapters — and the paper, of course. I’ll be back after.
